Faith, Uncategorized

To My Baby, Who Isn’t

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To my darling Baby, who isn’t,

Today you needed me for the first time in a long time. Yes, I know. You’re only two so you still need me for lots of things. Like food and diaper changes and snacks. But today you actually needed me. You have been stretching to grow up from the moment you breathed air. You devour life with the fiercest of independence. But amongst all that determination and mountain moving, you often don’t have time for the quiet, the snuggles, the soft landing of Momma on baby. I love your energy, your insatiable curiosity, your indisputable confidence, yet there are moments I long for you to need me.

And today you did. Wednesdays are hard days in our house. Busy mornings, rushing schedule, hardly time to ponder. Your afternoon naps on this day are always hit and miss. Today was a definite miss. You were squealing and crying far before wake up time, calling my name at a desperate pitch. Creeping into your blackened room, you clung to me and wanted me to stay with you, to cuddle up beside you. My daughter, my baby, my child who is always too busy to give affection. There was no question as to whether or not I’d climb into bed beside you.

You flung your warm little arm across mine, bringing my hand to your tear-soaked cheeks. Your breathing evened and deepened as your eyes slowly closed. From the faint light streaming in, I studied your profile, your upturned nose, your long eye lashes, your rounded cheeks that prove to me you still are my baby. I rest my cheek on your narrow shoulder, feeling your breath settle up and down. Your hair still smells like heaven, like innocence and lavender.

And I pray. I pray for the roads you will take, the obstacles you will overcome, the mountains you will conquer. Because, even though you are my baby, when I look at you, I see strength and force and inspiration. I know that your independence will take you through challenges many people will never face. And my heart is scared and excited and so hopeful for you.

I lay beside you in the dark, in the silence and wonder how we’ve gotten here already. I was in such a rush to get through the difficult days with you that even the beautiful moments have been a blur. So today I savoured. I wanted nap time to last for hours. I wanted to freeze time, holding my baby who really is no longer a baby. My baby who already acts like she doesn’t need me, but oh she does!

So I thank God for these unexpected, unplanned moments of rest, to remind me to cherish, to love, and to treasure. Because my baby, today I needed you as much as you needed me.

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